Samhita Mukhopadhyay, the editor
of Feministing.com, answered questions
about her book, “Outdated: How Dating Is Ruining Your Love
Life.” Mukhopadhyay
tells women to stop reading dating advice books that
reinforce antiquated ideas
about the way men and women should behave. She talks about
the challenge to stay
true to her feminist ideals while living in a world that punishes
women for straying
away from the goal of white weddings and monogamy.
You say chivalry isn’t dead but it should be.
How do feminist women
reject old-fashioned ideas such as paying for
dinner without offending someone?
I don’t think chivalry is inherently bad. Every time someone
is nice and
compassionate,
that’s a good thing. What’s very problematic is when there are
power
expectations attached to it, like that if he has paid for everything there is
an
expectation
to put out. There needs to be distancing between the expectation of
what
you have to do because I’m a man and she’s a woman.
What
specifically should women do when it’s time to pay the bill?
Women could do a variety of things. I usually assume we will
split the bill.
There
is this thinking that if he isn’t paying, ‘Are we on a date or are we not on a
date?’
and you need to think beyond that as an indication. Maybe it’s something else.
Maybe
he couldn’t afford it. If someone makes three times more money than you do,
I
think it’s okay to let him pay.
You acknowledge that
women often neglect their friendships once they have a
boyfriend. How do you reconnect with a
friend?
It’s a slippery slope when women feel they’ve neglected their
friendship and
they
internalize some shame about that. But being with friends doesn’t mean you
have
to be without your partner. When you go out with friends, your partner can
meet
with them. That segregation can happen when you get self-involved in your
relationship
but it takes recognizing it for yourself. But I think real friends will
forgive
you.
You say fashion can be
feminist. Do you think the fashion and beauty industry is
controversial within the feminist community?
It is a major conflict within the generational divide. Mainly
it’s older feminists
criticizing
younger feminists that have an interest in fashion. We need to know
where
things come from and what the labor issues are and recognize unfair beauty
standards for young women. But there is also
this tremendous potential to express
yourself
through punk and riot grrrl fashion. There’s room for criticism but also
potential.
You say the wedding
industry is draining people of their money and reinforcing
the idea that women’s happiness is tied to
marriage. How has the industry has
changed?
Weddings have become more expensive over the last 40 years.
It’s not like it
was,
where you have a wedding in your grandparents’ backyard and your mom
caters
it. Marriage is still seen as a way to grow up. It’s the inherent next step. And
the
finances and money that are expected have excluded a lot of people. It’s more
like
an affluent proposition between two wealthy people.
Do you suggest the
government give equal benefits to single people?
It’s important to extend those incentives to others. Marriage
rights have been
a
tremendous platform for gay marriage but it has left out a lot of people like single
black
mothers and other outliers and subgroups that are demonized in the media.
It’s
going in the right direction but the cultural benefits still help people in
relationships.
You discuss how casual
sex was enjoyable for you until you realized men still
had
the upper hand in the relationship. Is it possible for women to have casual sex
as
feminists?
I think there isn’t much we can do. We are living within the
power structure
so
the power structure will replicate itself in a relationship. But I’m not saying
you
can’t
have casual sex as a feminist. Women are good at negotiating our own power
whether
it’s in a workplace or in our relationships and it would be the same in
casual
sex. There is also the potential for really sexist behavior on the behalf of
the
men
you’re involved with as there is elsewhere in our lives but you need to know
what
you want and what your expectations are.
You say it is possible
for open relationships to work even though they didn’t
work for you. Do you know people who have
made open relationships work?
The people it works for have a very strong sense of
confidence in themselves
and
their sexuality and what they need from a partner. It is a legitimate alternative
lifestyle
and there has been smart analysis that monogamy can’t always work for
people. I’ve seen it at its most successful
for bisexual or gay sexual partners.
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